Texans at Titans: The NFL schedule makers have a wacky sense of humor. How else do you explain the next six weeks in the lives of the Houston Texans? They start a three-game road trip this week. Then, after hosting the Bills, they go on another two-game road trip. Their journeys will include flights from Jacksonville to New York, Houston to New York, and New York to Oakland. Yes, that’s two trips to the Big Apple; Gary Kubiak will be able to catch both Hairspray and A Chorus Line, if he is so inclined (he’s probably not).
The Texans haven’t won on the road since Dec. 2004, so the double road trip will hardly be a vacation. Not that the Texans have scared anyone at Reliant Stadium, either. “Teams act like it’s homecoming when they come in here, and we’ve got to change that kind of thinking,” said Texans defensive end N.D. Kalu. Despite Kalu’s warning, the Titans have no intention of scuttling the floats or canceling the Sadie Hawkins dance.
The Texans are one of the few teams in the league that the Titans can look down upon. Two weeks ago, Jeff Fisher celebrated his team’s upset of the Redskins as if Marty McFly had traveled back to Super Bowl XXXIV and pushed Kevin Dyson two yards into the end zone. Now his team is hoping to win back-to-back games for the first time since 2003. “Now we have some confidence, knowing we can play with anyone in the league,” linebacker Keith Bulluck said. “Whether it’s a top team or a bottom team, we are coming out to play the rest of the year.’’ That’s great, Keith, but what were you doing in September?
Inveterate gambles might be interested in knowing that the Texans are 4-1 against the spread in their last five meetings with Tennessee, and that they are getting three points. Of course, you can also avoid the middle man and just set your money on fire.
Jets at Browns: During the Browns’ bye week, Romeo Crennel vowed to work with embattled offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon and fix the problems in the Browns offense. The results: seven points, 10 first downs, and a 1-of-11 performance on third downs. “Once Romeo Crennel decided against enacting any serious change during the bye week, it was obvious the behind-the-scenes attention he turned on game-planning and play-calling would amount to mortician’s work,” Bud Shaw wrote in the Cleveland Plain Dealer one day before Carthon got his pink slip. New coordinator Maurice Chevalier is planning major changes. “Oooh la la, ze offense, she is tres moche! Tank heaven for leetle quarterbacks,” Chevalier said.
(Actually, Jeff Davidson will act as the Browns offensive coordinator. Chevalier remains dead.)
Maybe Carthon should have taken some advice from Eric Mangini, a more successful offshoot of the Parcells/Belichick coaching tree. Mangini, eager to embrace new technology, encourages players to download game film into their MP3 players. After all, nothing suggests serious film analysis like a two-inch wide screen. Say, is that Kellen Winslow II or a ketchup smear?
We smell upset this week. But it’s only because we heard a rumor that Chad Pennington deleted all of his footage of the Browns blitz packages so he could download two episodes of Family Guy and the latest My Chemical Romance album.
Jaguars at Eagles: Andy Reid called a special Monday practice to make his team watch film of their last two losses, a 30-minute gag reel filled with facemask-grabbing, 12th-man blitzing, flag-kicking, and public vomiting. Apparently, Johnny Knoxville was called in to edit the footage. “No one’s blowing a head gasket or getting out of control right now,” Darren Howard said after the film session. Apparently, Howard hasn’t spoken to an Eagles fan recently. The Jaguars can match the Eagles play-for-bonehead play: injuries, fumbles, and dropped passes all contributed to an embarrassing loss to the Texans. “We just need to walk out of this Texas stadium and delete this,” Reggie Williams said on Sunday. The loser of this game may be deleted from the playoff picture. The Eagles won’t let that happen at home.
Niners at Bears: The Bears are heavy favorites, and they are facing a team that shouldn’t be able to stay on the field against them. When have we seen this before? Oh yeah, last Monday night. ‘’I’m not too happy with the way we played, but the character we exhibited, that’s something to be documented. That’s the character of a champion,’’ special teams ace Brandon Ayanbadejo said of the Bears’ recent only-against-the-Cardinals comeback. Lovie Smith was more skeptical. “I hope that’s the case. But we have a long way to go.” This week, the Bears will turn the ball over seven times but win on a blocked kick and three fourth-and-one stands. Quentin Tarantino is writing Mike Nolan’s postgame speech.
Buccaneers at Giants: Just once before he retires, we want to see Tiki deke Ronde. Or Ronde thump Tiki muy grande. Or, see both of them flash their power rings at halftime as Ronde takes the shape of a pterodactyl and Tiki takes the form of a refreshing spring mist. In fact, anything the Barber twins do on the football field is cool. But no more credit card commercials, please.
Steelers at Raiders: Randy Moss gave Art Shell a game ball after the Raiders won their first game since last November against the Cardinals. Moss then promised Shell that he would go 18 whole minutes on his radio show without criticizing the coaching staff, which explains why Moss was playing In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida. Ben Roethlisberger’s status was up in the air at presstime. The Raiders’ status wasn’t: they still stink.
Cowboys at Panthers: Welcome to the dawn of the Tony Romo era, otherwise known as the “Anyone but Bledsoe Era.” Romo has spent four years in Dallas and is good enough to win games given the available firepower. The question is whether said firepower will accept him as their leader. The Cowboys start a three-game road trip against a Panthers team a lot like them: a would-be contender long on offensive weaponry but incapable of building any early-season momentum. Take the Cowboys and the points this week, but look for them to descend into bickering over the next few weeks. And steer clear of Bledsoe: he’s a little snippy these days.
Cardinals at Packers: Early odds on whom Brett Favre carries around on his shoulders after the Packers beat what’s left of the Cardinals: Donald Driver: 2-1. Ahman Green: 3-1. Denny Green (”I know who you are! Now let me off the $%^# hook!”) 10-1. Peter King: 15-1. Paul Hornung with his pants around his ankles: 2,000-1. Actually, if the presstime rumors are true, Green will be off the hook by the time you read this.
Ravens at Saints: Steve McNair missed some practices early in the week, but he is expected to play on Sunday. Brian Billick is taking over for scapegoat — err, departed offensive coordinator — Jim Fassel as the team’s play caller, but he didn’t make many changes over the bye week. “You can only get so much done. You can’t be unrealistic,” Billick said. “We are not going to come out and start running the wishbone … it’s just not going to happen.” That’s a shame, because Ravens fans are really wishing for some offense. After the Ravens score just 13 points this week, Billick will start firing ticket takers.
